reyofsunshine | IC inbox

There's a twitch in his face after Rey starts to pull away, and all trace of the sheepishness from before disappears as his expression goes blank, a low ringing sounding in the air as if they'd suddenly gone deaf for a moment.

Kylo struggles to stop himself from thinking or feeling much of anything, already far too aware of the dangers in the direction any of them could go. It's because of that—and trying against Rey's request to hide the turmoil he's sure he can't keep from his eyes—that he can't bring himself to look at her, hoping for the briefest of moments that he can pretend things haven't come this far. He doesn't want to think about yet another person he's come to care for like this returning to detesting him back home, even if he won't remember it himself. And that's... without the other complications, as if there weren't enough in the first place.

But already it's too late to pretend. It doesn't mean he has any idea of how to deal with the situation, however; his mouth parts slightly in a subconscious desire to try, but his uncertainty stops any words from leaving him as his eyes flick downwards.

Rey hasn't even pulled fully away before she can tell that something is wrong.

She wasn't expecting Kylo to be happy, at least no more than he ever looks overly happy when she shows any affection for him. But he usually seems grudgingly pleased, like she's fulfilling a desire he desperately doesn't want to admit that he has.

This isn't grudgingly pleased. Or pleased at all, maybe. Rey's brow creases in concern, and a non-small amount of confused dread flickers through her eyes. Still, she refuses to draw back completely or take her hand off his. She doesn't want to lose that connection unless she has to.

"Kylo?" she says uncertainly, her voice echoing oddly in her ears around that odd, awful ringing. She curls her fingers around his much larger hand, hoping to get attention again somehow but afraid to do much more.

It's not terribly often that he's at a loss for words when he's reaching for them—either he simply has nothing to say or would much rather show rather than tell—but with Rey it seems to be a frequent occurrence. Perhaps it wouldn't be if she didn't keep being the source of such confusing, difficult feelings, both in the sense of emotions and otherwise.

Kylo doesn't pull his hand away either, not wanting to push her away despite the small thought that he should, but there's a certain anxiety in his gaze when his eyes meet hers, when she questions him. His jaw trembles as he stares at her, knowing he has to say something. But still nothing comes to him.

Something's changed, Rey realizes, and she doesn't think it was for the better. Rather, it feels like she's broken something, something that was terribly precious but far, far more fragile than she ever thought. The dread in her expression grows steadily closer to alarm and mild panic the longer his silence persists, and she drags her eyes from his face to glance miserably down at the cloak he gave her.

He told her she was more than a scavenger. He said she didn't have to pretend she was important. He insisted she shouldn't think so little of herself. She thought she was just responding to that, but she sees the truth now.

She doesn't blame him for saying that when clearly now it's proven to be untrue. He was obeying the rules of the game. He understood the rules. No, she blames herself for buying into her stupid fantasies. She slipped up and for a brief, idiotic moment, she actually believed she was more than a scavenger.

But Rey will always be a scavenger. And Kylo will always be the child of heroes, blood of legends, and everything she's not. Fortunately, Rey's years as a scavenger have taught her how to repair broken things. She snatches her hand away from his, deciding maybe it'll be easier if they just ignored what happened—and hopefully he'll ignore the sand she's left behind on his hand—and picks up the cupcake to shove half the thing in her mouth.

"It's good," she mumbles automatically around a mouthful of cake.

Kylo sees that retreat for what it is, and his hand twitches around the place where her hand once was, temperature plummeting around them as he realizes what his reaction has done to her. His inner conflict was meant to be for him to deal with alone, and he can't stand the thought of it hurting her as well.

His mouth thins into a determined line. He has to make her understand—but he doesn't know if that will make this better or worse. He just has to hope the truth is the best path, and secrets have never helped him, anyway.

"Rey," he finally manages, not allowing her attempt at a distraction to stop him from cutting into the heart (hah) of the matter.

"I've been stupid," is what tumbles out after another moment, and he tries to reach for either of her hands again. It's a great start.

Rey looks back up at him as soon as he says her name, and the expression on his face is enough of a distraction to let him take hold of one of her hands, though she flinches the slightest amount when he does. It hurts more than it should, to have him reach for her now after the line in how far he's willing to pretend has been so clearly drawn, and Rey knows going back won't be easy. But she isn't sure what else she can do at this point without losing him, and she doesn't ever want to lose Kylo. Hopefully this is him volunteering to fix things. Make the rules more clear. It'll be easier when she knows what the rules are.

She drops her eyes again, schooling her expression into calmness and away from the fearful sort of longing she felt her face take on when she looked at him, and takes her time chewing and swallowing the cake.

"I understand," she says stiffly. "It's okay, you don't have to explain."

"No," he says, more quickly this time. "That's not—I need you to listen."

He closes his hand around hers, keeping it in a firm grip—one that says he has no intention of letting go.

"I didn't realize how I felt until now," he says, though for the moment he still hesitates to voice what exactly he means—fearing that maybe he's misinterpreted her feelings somehow, since it's not like that would be terribly new. He looks at her beseechingly, wanting to confirm he's not being even more stupid than he thought.

"You... feel it too, don't you?" he asks softly, for fear his voice might betray him even more than everything else is. Because there's definitely a point to that.

~~Why is confessing even harder now??~~

And then all at once Rey doesn't know what's happening anymore.

She can't tell what's pretending and what's not. What's the game and what isn't. ~~Or if there even is a game??~~ All she can do is stare into Kylo's terribly, awfully sincere brown eyes and try to decide if she's allowed to reach out and accept what's been offered or if it's just an incredibly tempting bait.

Replying verbally feels like too much of a gamble, especially after the reaction her last impulsive action got, but responding negatively or not at all would be far, far worse. And anyway, Rey's mouth feels so dry right now she doesn't think anything she said would sound halfway intelligent. So in the end she just nods, forcing herself to make the movement slow and deliberate. If she's going to be taking the safe way (the coward's way, her mind supplies) she should at least do him the favor of making her wordless gesture as clear as she can.

Ren realizes how ridiculous this runaround is, and he has to scoff at himself. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, gathering himself and shoving down his nerves until he can force himself to be straight with her like he wants to be. The atmosphere around him returns to normal, relatively, as he takes a slow breath.

"It's unlike me not to just say it," he remarks, attempting to add a bit of humor into the situation with a wry half-smirk. He's prided himself on being honest, at least when those around him give him the same courtesy, and Rey has been open with him for... a long time, he realizes.

"I care about you. Not like anyone else," are the words that are as close as he can get to his feelings. "And I'm not going to pretend otherwise."

Still, there's a hesitation that comes to his earnest look that implies there's a but coming.

Rey can feel that but coming, and it already stings before it's even left his mouth. It was bait after all, and as soon as he gets to the but the trap will spring, and she'll be left with pain and empty promises that turn out to be nothing more than things she told herself to make herself feel loved.

Ah well, if she's headed for a trap, she may as well make it worth the trouble.

Rey brings her other hand to meet the one he has gripping hers and gently pulls his hand to her own face, lightly holding his warm, leather-clad knuckles against her cheek. It's likely a gesture he'll find odd, but it's strangely comforting, especially when she knows it's also likely to be taken away soon, and Rey closes her eyes for a moment to savor it.

"I know," she replies, breaking her silence at last. But she isn't stopping there.

"You make me feel like I could be someone important. Someone special. I hope I do the same thing for you. You deserve as much."

Under normal circumstances, these would all be horrifically embarrassing things to admit, but now it feels like it could be her last chance, and she thinks she'll probably regret not saying them. Keeping her eyes closed helps, at least.

"And I meant what I said. About you knowing me. And—what I said about your voice, too. It matches your eyes."

Odd or not, he has no argument—whatever Rey needs to do for her to stay and listen, he has little issue with. If her grip allows it, he'll gladly uncurl his hand to rest properly against the side of her face.

A part of him wants to ask how a voice can match eyes, but he fears if he gets off topic now he'll never get around to admitting what he needs to. So instead he acknowledges it with a quiet thank you, not wanting her to think he's not listening, or rejecting any of what she's saying.

But he has to stop stalling by staring at her face eventually, and so he takes a steadying breath, the air stilling around them.

"There's someone else I care about too. Not the same," he clarifies, because nothing about the two of them is the same, really, and he couldn't possibly compare them. "But important. Like you."

Because she is important, and special, and all of those things, and Kylo needs her to know that. Even if the rest of the galaxy just considers her a scavenger, he knows she's more than that. She deserves to know it, too, instead of just believing it a few moments at a time.

"I don't want to hurt him. Or you." He refuses to let her to think of herself as somehow lesser, like her pain is preferable to someone else's. It was really just... a matter of timing, the difference in his feelings. As if to point out the sincerity of those feelings, several red-leafed velvety plants curl out of the ground under their feet, bright against the grass.

"I don't want to give up either of you."

He can only imagine what the other man's reaction might be, but he thinks out of the two of them... Rey is the one strong enough to take the truth up front. And he doesn't want to string her along with any mistaken assumptions just because he's a coward.

Rey's eyes open as soon as he moves his hand to hold his gloved palm to her face, a bit of surprise behind her expression. She was using him to comfort herself for the inevitable impending pain. She wasn't expecting him to actually participate. But now that he has, she can't help leaning ever so slightly into the warmth of his hand. It's stupid, particularly when she still thinks she knows what's coming, but if it's her last chance to feel this she may as well take advantage.

The first few things that Kylo says only confirm her fears, and she looks away, scrunching her nose to keep tears from forming in her eyes. She knows where this is going. He has someone else, someone he wants more, someone he wants differently, and he doesn't want her enough to jeopardize what he has with that someone else, despite his earlier confession. Why would he? She's nobody. She'll always be nobody.

Everything goes as she predicted... until the end. Rey looks up the instant those last words leave his mouth, her eyes wide and unsure. For a moment she isn't sure she heard him right. But no, he really did say either of you. The keyword there being you.

"You don't want to give me up," she says softly, hardly daring to believe what she's saying. ~~Or let her down. Or run around and desert her.~~

The gold cloak in the box glitters brightly, almost sparking. And then it spreads to the table and down to the ground—little sharp flashes like a particularly bright light is catching unseen reflective bits in the wood or dirt.

"You still want me. And him. I thought—you aren't pushing me away."

Edited (waves hands at dialogue) 2018-03-08 14:04 (UTC)

"It's selfish," he admits, hesitant, but he traces his thumb along her cheekbone. "But if you want to stay... I refuse to abandon you."

Like her parents. Or anyone else who might have gotten her hopes up, only to abandon her. None of those people deserved her.

"I know what it feels like, to be left behind." Even if it's only from his point of view, his feelings are shaped by what he vies as truth. That feeling is a way they can relate, and it's not a feeling he would wish on her, not ever. "But I want to know you better. If it's not... too complicated."

She deserves to have someone's undivided attention and care. And while Kylo feels strongly for her... he doesn't know that he can provide that, and he won't blame her for not wanting to deal with it.

The little occasional sparkles gradually grow more frequent as Kylo talks, but they soften slightly into a nearly constant, gentle twinkling—though there are still a few particularly bright, almost ember-like sparks across the table when he brushes his thumb over her cheek.

But even without the planet's involvement, Rey's feelings would be clear enough from her face, her eyes wide and practically overflowing with surprised joy and her lips curling into a smile. She almost laughs at Kylo's suggestion that this could be too complicated, simply because it's never not been complicated between them.

"I think this is the least complicated it's ever been with us, really," she says with a soft chuckle. "I know it's the least complicated my feelings have been."

Rey leans forward to take his face between her hands, noting briefly how small they look on his long face when she can feel his hand so large and warm against her own cheek. Even with the unexpected information about Kylo's other partner, his confession about her brings sudden and relieving clarity to the confusing muddle of emotions that have been growing inside her for months. For the first time, she knows how she feels about him, and she knows how he feels about her, and everything seems so simple now. And ultimately, that's all that matters to Rey—when she and Kylo are together, the outside world almost doesn't exist, and when they're apart he fades into the background of her life. She can't blame him for operating the same way. The fact that he not only knows and shares her feelings, but also is willing to act on those feelings, overshadows anything else that's come to light here today.

"Kylo, I want to stay. I want you. I always will."

A small smile tugs at his lips, though it's still hesitant, like he can't quite believe that Rey is just accepting the situation so easily, or that somehow he'd find not one but two people who wanted him. It's almost too good to be true, and his eyes move from her face when she touches his, but he's certain to look back to her when he responds, even if it doesn't last long. (Mostly, he's trying not to cry like a child and embarrass himself further.)

"I feel the same."

He lets out a breath, the tension and anxiety finally leaving him as his shoulders slump, and he allows himself to believe in this, to trust her like he wants to.

Well. Now what?

"I hope you liked the cake," he mumbles almost bashfully.

~~Chronic avoidance of anything difficult, that's how Rey is accepting the situation so well.~~ That hint of a smile draws her own gaze, and she finds herself watching his mouth as he speaks, briefly considering if she could lean over the table and kiss him again. But Kylo seems... shy? overwhelmed? enough as it is, even if he reiterates that he shares her feelings, and she doesn't want to push her luck too much. She doesn't actually know how this sort of thing is meant to work anyway, she realizes. Maybe she ought to let him make the next move, whatever that might be, just to be sure she's doing things right. There will be time later for whatever she might want to do.

Rey removes her hands from Kylo's face a little reluctantly, but she doesn't lean back or pull away.

"It's delicious," she replies sincerely, still smiling. The table and the ground around her continues to twinkle gently.

"Thank you, Kylo. For everything."

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i wanted that steambucks........

well too bad bc i drank it

:T...!

>8D

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